As I mentioned in my last post I have a problem with procrastination. I always have. I procrastinate even more if I am stressed about having to do it I have seen me put off a two minute phone call for weeks because I just can’t seem to dial the number. When I have a paper, workshop or article to write– I will have a much cleaner house, my friends will hear from me more and I will finally get around to organizing my junk drawer. Then in the last day or two I will not talk to anyone or do anything but work on the assignment. I used to say it was because “I worked well under pressure” haha ya thats it.

I have procrastinated a lot of things in my life, probably more out of fear of failure than anything else. Since this is a “milestone” year for me age wise…I figure this year I will stop procrastinating. It is time I do those things I often put off…like painting or playing music or taking a special interest class. I am going to stop procrastinating my talents and hobbies. We often say “Oh I’ll find time for that tomorrow…, or I love to play music or dance but you can’t remember the last time you did it. My excuse for not playing my guitar for the past few years has been,’ oh I’ll have to get strings for that’  then I had new strings and gave them to my daughter. Music is good for the heart. It brings comfort to your soul and an outlet for emotions. Whether creating it or listening to it, Music brings me joy.

I love to run and walk. A few years ago I did it a lot out of necessity but since getting a car I haven’t jogged more than a few times and my idea of a walk has been parking a few extra spaces away from the store and walking from there. I have gone on some walks and I get a ton of exercise at work but really taking time from ones day and breathing in outside air, enjoying the beauties and miracles of nature. We live in an incredibly beautiful country. I want to create some of my smiles this year by spending more time appreciating all that this free, amazing Country has to offer. I have had the pleasure of driving to the East Coast a couple times and we are so blessed to live in Canada. It is a beautiful, majestic, incredibly bountiful Country.

Returning to school when pushing 40 has given me confidence..I never would have believed ten years ago that I was capable of going to college to become a nurse, having a job that I love caring for people has given me greater purpose…I look forward to going to work each day, to the patients I’ll see. My job is giving me so much more understanding and knowledge as I continue towards my degree. I like thinking of ways to make my patients smile. And they always find a way to make me laugh. I think that more stand up comedians should think about contributing to the health care field. Laughter is the Best Medicine. A day, no matter what kind of day it is, is always better with laughter in your heart. And while you are making patients laugh you gain a ton a material If you can stop procrastinating enough to write it…

Well it is mid January so by this time most years I would have already broken my New Year’s Resolutions and been vowing to do better…Alas this year I should make my first resolution to be that I not procrastinate so much…I am just writing my resolutions now. I don’t really wait for New Years each year when I want to set a goal, but it is another good excuse to find ways to improve myself…and the list of possibilities for improvement  is endless.

I decided to keep it simple this year, and it really isn’t a hard resolution so it’ll be easier to keep. It is also a resolution that can change lives…I resolve to create and surround myself wih more laughter, more smiles, more peace and more joy. I believe they (who ever “they”are) were right  “LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE”. I have so many blessings - I have every reason to smile and so I resolve to spend each day paying it forward and bringing a smile to others. I have incredible people in my life. I am blessed with incredible parents, an amazing daughter, great friends and sista, inspiring patients and the joy serving with the young womens program. Seeing any of them smile or hearing their laugh brings me joy so I vow to spend my year working on creating smiles and bringing laughter to those around me- both to their faces and their hearts.

I have been blessed many times in my life by the compassion of others. I remember when my beautiful, incredible daughter was born. She was 13 weeks early and I had been in the hospital for several weeks. I was scared. My tiny, fragile, amazing daughter was lying in an incubator with iv’s, machines and wires all over the place. Medical words and terms were included in every conversation and I often felt overwhelmed with trying to understand it all or to make informed decisions. I remember the compassion of the nurses, who took the time to explain things, to understand the emotions, the fear that accompanied seeing your child, your tiny child fighting for her life. Their compassion helped carry me through. Whether it was bringing me a glass of water, or a warm blanket, taking a minute to say hello and let me know how my daughter was doing and what progress was made.It was the extra time they took to hold her hand and straighten her tiny stuffed animals we had placed at the end of her incubator that helped me feel she was being well cared for. It was the compassion they showed that brings warmth to my heart as I reflect on that memory.

My mom has alway been a strong example of compassion for me. When my dad’s mom was sick and nearing the end of her life, I saw my mom compassionately and lovingly care for her. I saw her rise to a level of service and devotion to her mother in law that has made her as great an example of compassion in my life as any story from the scriptures or motivational speaker. My mom lives her life with compassion for others, spending hours on the phone bringing friendship to a lonely senior or preparing cards to mail just to brighten someones day. She cooks meals for the sick, and drives others to doctors appointments or drops off groceries. She never realizes how many lives she touches, mainly because she is busy thinking about the next one in need. I love this about my mom. I am blessed by her compassion for others.

I have seen examples of compassion from my closest friends, my family, church members and community. Each blessing the lives of myself and others. After my brothers accident I was touched by the compassion of many of his nurses, care workers, co workers, students and friends. There was an outpouring of love through hundreds of small acts. The compassion of others brought great comfort during a time of crisis.

I remember with each act of compassion shown to me, the relief, comfort and peace that it brought during a time of distress. I think I am kind of selfish in the reason I love my job. It is an incredible feeling to know I can spend my day being a moment of comfort in someone elses. Sometimes working in Health care there is more focus on the Health than the Care. I love the Care part of my job. I love the bringing a glass of water, fluffing your pillow, helping you be as comfortable as possible while dealing with your health part, of my job. I think it is because I know how much of a difference those things can make. I like trying to make that difference in my patients lives and the lives of their families during this time of crisis. I get to spend my days or nights performing acts of kindness. I come home from work more invigorated and energized then I was when I started the shift.

Research has shown that performing an act of kindness not only releases endorphines in the brains of the person receiving the act of kindness but also of the person performing it, and anyone witnessing it. So no matter what is going on in a persons life, an act of kindness will make their lives better. Sometimes it may be only a moment, but it still makes their mood, their life, their health better for that moment. I am blessed by the opportunity to meet, get to know, help care for a wonderful hospital unit of patients and their families. I am grateful for the blessing of being touched by their strengths, their lives, their stories, their personalities. Sometimes the communication is hearing your life story, with others it is simply holding your hand while you have a sip of water or try to fall asleep. I am grateful that I get to spend a moment getting to know you, that I can be there to comfort you and bring a smile.

The Dhali Llama said “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion, if you want to be happy, practice compassion”…

I am blessed to know incredibly strong people. In fact, everyone that I know has faced their own Goliath in one way or another. In the bible story David and Goliath, David a small humble boy armed only with a sling and five stones faces the giant opponent warrior, Goliath. David was triumphant.

I read a book that a friend gave me several years ago about Slaying Our Goliaths. This concept has stayed with me as I meet people through out life. It has helped me find peace and joy in my life. I believe that we are on this earth to learn and grow and to become the best person that we can be. Each of us is different, so in order to grow, each of us would have to face different challenges. And each of us does.

Knowing that everyone has their own Goliath- I have never understood judgemental people. I certainly know I have no right to judge someone else. I have no idea what a person has faced in their lives to bring them to the choices they make. I have no idea what Goliath is standing in front of them and how long they have been battling it. Or what other sorrows, disappointments, fears and challenges they have faced. I also know that I have faced my own Goliaths and not always made the right decisions when trying to slay them.

In a recent Gregoric Thinking Strategy Exam that I took for a contract job, It found that one of my “personality traits” is that I cannot accept that change is not possible. It is true. I believe it is never hopeless, there is always possibility for change. It is up to the individual whether that change is for the better or the worse.

One of the best ways I have found to have a better life is through Gratitude. There are things to be grateful for in every situation. A friend of mine recently had a power outage for the night. She was thankful she had lots of candles, a warm robe and a flashlight. She found humour in the situation and it has become a happy memory. Her upstairs neighbours have decided to sue the landlord, and even called the police that night to file a report. They were worked up and considered it a horrible tragedy to their day. It ruined the night and the “stress” of it will ruin several more.They found nothing in the situation to be grateful for and no reason to smile.

It doesn’t matter what a person’s Goliath is, whether it is a physical illness or emotional issue, a death in the family or an addiction, finances or relationships. Everyone has something in their life that they must face with courage and strength, faith and perserverance.

It is all about how you face a situation, not what the situation is that matters. If you go through the day looking for things to be grateful for, it is hard to be negative at the same time. My daughter and I started when she was a toddler, spending our days collecting things for our “gratitude list” at the end of the day. The world would be a kinder, gentler more peaceful place if everyone lived with gratitude rather than greed, understanding rather than judgement, compassion rather than apathy. It does not matter how many times you fail in life, as long as you try once more…and if gratitude is the focus of your life you will always find a reason to carry on.

Some days  my life is a sitcom, or a really warped Canadian Monty Python skit…that lasts a lifetime. I learned today how any situation can be either hilarious or frustrating…that is the difference between people killing themselves with stress and people ending each day with a laugh…how you look at a situation.

I had a job interview in downtown Toronto this morning. I left an hour and a half early, It should have, and was plenty of time to get me there. Before leaving I prayed that I would find the building in plenty of time. I needed to be more specific. I found the building with 12 minutes to spare…Parking was another story. Traffic is switching lanes and honking and parking areas were either taken or reserved. I ended up circling around several blocks twice in order to get back where I needed to be, I then just searched for anywhere. I saw the first “Public Parking Sign” and pulled in circled the underground parking ramps a few times before finding a spot. I grab my resume and keys, lock the car door and run to the elevator as I am now running late.

I get to ground level and it takes me a minute to realize what direction I am going to the interview, I am three blocks away so I run, get to the right side of street, find right building and take the elevator to the 18th floor. I have to stop a minute.. or two to catch my breath. I was trying not to start deep breathing (you know that what happened I used to be in shape… I should never run in dress clothes on a windy day when I am pushin 40 kinda deep breathing) in the elevator since I was not alone.

I finally start breathing normal enough that I can utter my name and ask to speak to my interviewer with out sounding like I’m an obscene phone caller taking it on the road. The secretary is on the phone which gives me time to realize I was so busy worrying about my breathing I never thought of the state of my appearance. I was neat looking when I left the car but I have since sprinted on the windiest day I can remember in a skirt, suitcoat and pumps. I am straightening myself out a little trying to look as non chalant as I can when my interviewer comes out and introduces herself. It was a very friendly and comfortable environment. I sit down in the interview room after apologizing for being late and am in a chair on one side of the table with two chairs on the other. Two nice managers come and sit down with a booklet of questions. Taking turns asking…One of the questions of coarse was “Do you consider yourself a punctual person? Are you ever late for work?” My answer “I am a very punctual person, unless of coarse it’s the job interview to get the job…but other than that I am always punctual” at least they laughed. I think the rest of the interview went well. They are both writing notes with everything I say and and do. I keep talking because I am nervous while it is silent. They keep writing because I keep talking. Then I said…”I should be giving really short answers so you don’t have to write so much…” they laugh and write some more.

After the interview I went outside and sighed a big sigh that the interview was over and started planning my route home…until I realized the first task was going to be remembering what building’s underground parking I had parked in. The parking stub….no it had no name or address, it was no help. I had come out of the building with the stub in my pocket thinking it would lead me back to my car…I never thought to look what building it was. So I walked the distance I thought I had ran. And looked for a parking entrance, I don’t see one, I go up a block and still don’t see the entrance I was looking for. Was the entrance even on Bloor street I start to think to myself…

I had to go up to two security guards and say “I am about to give you something to laugh about for the whole day…You will speak of me later and someone somewhere will ask “Is she blond or a Newfoundlander” no I am neither…I am just crazy. I showed them the parking ticket and asked “Does this parking ticket look like one from your building, I forgot what building I parked my car in” It was not from their building and I did give them something to laugh about.

I should mention, I don’t carry a purse, I carry a backpack with my cell phone, money, id and everything in it. I did not want to carry a back pack into an interview so I left it in the car. So I am wandering the streets of Toronto (Yonge and Bloor area) looking for the parking garage that has my car and I have no phone, no money, no id or anything and all I can picture is not finding it til rush hour traffic home..or spending the night lost in some parking garage clicking the key chain clicker in hopes of finding the car…

I found the right building and level after an hour. Luckily I had parked in a spot you could see from the stairwell, Because I also didn’t note where in the underground parking I had pulled into. …

It was a funny day. Everything may have gone wrong but I feel good about the interview over all. I think they liked me and knew I was genuine about caring for others. I truly find joy in what I do. So whether things go right or wrong my life is viewed with a smile.

Today I saw an old friend. Its been many years since we had seen each other…since highschool …so more years than I am willing to admit. We spent semesters of highschool walking the halls and malls talking about life. Today though I searched for words as I was introduced to his beautiful, strong, grief stricken family outside the funeral of his 17 year old daughter Kaitlynn. She was loved by many, she inspired many, she forever changed the hearts of all who knew her. I did not know Kaitlynn. I wish I had the honour of getting to know her in this life.  Those who do know her spoke of the kindness, joy, strength, love, charity and peace of her Spirit and heart. I look forward to meeting her in the next life.

There are never the right words to say at the celebration of life for someone who is so loved. I saw a family that was heart broken and who had lost a part of their own soul with Kaitlynn. I pray that they will find comfort, continued strength and peace. I know that they will see Kaitlynn again and that her spirit and love are blessing the spirit world as they did this one.

As I drove the  1 and 1/2 hr drive home I had time to reflect. I thought of how we let life get in the way of the important things…the important people. We care about people and think of them often but weeks, months, years or decades can go by before we talk. We get caught up in the clutter of life and don’t always take time to be there for each other, or to keep connections. Facebook has been a help in keeping many friends or acquaintances in touch. Though that often is only on birthdays or when an embarrassing photo is posted that you can’t resist commenting on.

I cherish the friendships and family I have. I am eternally grateful for the people who bring joy to my spirit, who make my life worthwhile. I have so many incredible friends and family and loved ones that have blessed and enhanced and helped my life be what it is today rich with memories, laughter, joy, peace. My life is filled with the most amazing people whom I love. We often say goodbye without knowing for how long or in which life we will embrace again. I am grateful for those whom I love. For those who love me and for those who add joy to my life. I always look forward to our next ”hello” and am sad at our “good bye”. You are my dash.

On Kaitlynn’s memorial program there was a poem entitled The Dash that I thought was so beautiful I wanted to share it here in memory and honour of Kaitlynn Thomas.

Most of us have heard the saying “Sticks and Stones may break your bones but names can never hurt you”…but after witnessing stories in the news of people killing themselves, or others because of the taunting and mean words spoken to them over years it is obvious that words are a much more powerful thing that this little saying lets on.

Words truly do have the power to build a life or destroy it. They have the power to encourage or tear down, to empower or devastate. Words are what starts action…Martin Luther King spoke words that motivated and uplifted, that changed the world, as did Mandela, Gandhi, Mother Theresa and many more…words also were used by Adolf Hitler to destroy and cause the most horrific and horrendous acts possible. Words preceded action, words convinced, influenced, set in motion the future that unraveled after they spoke. Words teach…either right or wrong. Words once spoken are forever out there, once said always said.

Words can help a child reach for the stars or hide in the basement their entire lives. They can make a day or destroy a life. They can build dreams or chip away at any shred of self esteem the person hearing them has. Words change lives.

My daughter has a gift with words, she is an incredible poet and writer. She recently slipped a poem into a book (that she gave me). Her gift of words to me will always be the most precious and cherished gift I have received. No expensive item could compare. Nothing will ever mean more to me than my daughter and the simple gift of her words—

Self confidence is something that many people struggle with their whole lives, for others it takes a major event or failure to cause them to question their abilities, others proceed with faith and perseverance until failure becomes success.  My mom gave me a rubber stamp for scrapbooking that she got because it has the words “Everything happens for a reason” on it. That is something that I say often, it is something that I believe wholeheartedly. It is important for each of us to find our own journey and realize our own potential and worth, accepting the person we are for our strengths, weaknesses, talents and fears. We are a glorious work in progress. I think finding peace, happiness and growth comes from accepting who we are, as we really are…full of potential and learning constantly…if we could always remember that about others and ourselves it would be a more unconditionally loving and gentler world that could accomplish miracles and save each other…every great movement, every humanitarian act, every miracle or accomplishment starts with faith and the ability to see potential for greatness.

It has been a hectic week so far, and it is only early  Wednesday morning. Over Thanksgiving weekend I worked three 12 hour shifts and tried to prepare for my midterm exams. I learned how to clean an ostomy bag and how to deal with the frustration of working with someone who seems to be in the wrong career choice, because she just doesn’t seem to care about the clients she works with. As someone who does care, who tries to treat each client as I would my own mom, dad or brother I found it disheartening to see someone treat them with disregard. I love what I do, bed pans and all. I love knowing that I made someone’s day a little easier, a little brighter, giving all that I can…

A friend, who has been a great support, thought with the hectic week that I am having that I might need a reminder as to why I am having sleepless nights to work and study and reach for my dream. He sent me the above video, that a co worker sent him and it brought it all back into perspective again. I do celebrate the small victories. I do learn more from my patients than they learn from me, and night shift does eat anything.

I am grateful for the caregivers and nurses and teachers and friends who are examples to me. Who do give it their all and care more. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to realize my dream and the support of family and friends who remind me I am doing the right thing. Who helped me get where I am today and help me realize where I can be tomorrow. I am thankful for PSW’s who go the extra mile to care for a stranger as if they were family and nurses who do all they can to provide comfort and kindness. I am thankful for those who know that the job is more than a job, it is a calling….for everytime you have done something for someone and not expected or received gratitude…. for every time in your professional or personal life when you have shown that you care not because of who they are but because that is who you are…….THANK YOU!!!!

I love my job, I love working with the elderly. I love their spunk, their wisdom, their spirits, their stories, their gratitude, their humour their strength…I enjoy the time I spend with them.  It is amazing to me how quickly we seem to overlook the joy that many of them can bring to life. A friend, who understands what I mean, because he too works with seniors, sent me an email today that I want to share….

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